Freefalling
When I first realized that I had been in a
religious cult for six years, it was one of the
most devastating things that had ever happened to
me in my life. The realization that I had
actually been brainwashed was even more of a
shock. In my case, I never once doubted God, but
I certainly doubted my SANITY. The shame and
horror mingled with a frightening uncertainty was
enough to leave me with seemingly endless
sleepless nights. The saying, "It was like
somebody had pulled the rug right out from under
me..." is grossly inadequate in attempting to
describe the chaos of emotions I experienced.
I
had been a member of The Way International (TWI)
for six years in the early 1980's. However,
subsequent to my leaving this cult, I remained
brainwashed for two years despite never attending
any of their meetings (called "Twigs") or any
other related functions by TWI for those two
years. I had in essence been "freefalling" from
the effects of having been involved with this
destructive cult for those wasted years. In a
May/June 1994 issue of Ministries Today, a
sidebar article I wrote describes some of the
sensation of this deliema:
I had physically left the cult, but I was
still immersed in the teachings of the founder.
As a result, my marriage was in peril, and I felt
adrift. While neither my husband nor my three
children had ever become heavily involved in
[TWI], my emotional state naturally affected the
entire family.
It is extremely difficult when
one decides to leave a cult. I once heard an
ex-cult member say that an "emotional free fall"
follows the severing of organizational ties. This
is so accurate. I firmly believed I had left the
only source of biblical truth.
I also firmly believed I had disappointed God.
I wasn't able to "fit in" with God's only true
believers on earth. My hearts desire was to know
God, to serve God and to be "perfect" for Him.
But I wasn't able to "conform" to the "standards"
God had set for me. I was lost, alone and
terribly confused.
There is also the
embarrassment of knowing I had been duped. How
could such nice, clean-cut, conservative-valued
people have lied to me? In retrospect, how could
I have let myself be taken in by the tactics of
TWI? I wasn't a stupid woman, I was quite savvy
in fact. I had been a lead singer in rock bands
for years, going on the road, seeing "the world."
I thought I had heard every line, every trick.
Obviously, I hadn't.
Here I was, a college
educated woman, married to an Army Officer. I
certainly hadn't led a sheltered life! Yet, I had
been taken in by TWI because I was sincere about
wanting to know a God I had never known all my
life. I wanted to learn more about this
all-powerful Lord. I believed for over six years
that I had found the only organization on earth
that had the revealed truth about this God of the
Bible. I believed that the founder, Victor Paul
Wierwille had received special revelation never
before given to anyone since the apostles about
the Bible. It was through this man that I
believed I had been led to the only "truth" in the
world these days about God, Jesus Christ, the
Bible and my salvation.
What I didn't
know was that almost every religious cult has a
charismatic leader who receives "new" revelation
about God and the Bible. TWI provided quick
"answers" to my life-questions. Most cults do
this too. I didn't know that most all religious
cults teach another Jesus, reject Orthodox
Christianity, have their own "double-speak" as
well as non-Biblical teachings on the nature of
God and the Trinity. All were characteristics of
TWI that I was totally unaware was shared by
almost every destructive religious cult. I was in
my own reality that TWI created for me and I
believed that the teachings and the atmosphere of
The Way to be totally unique. I was so very
wrong. I pridefully and gleefully accepted the
notion that I had become a part of the Biblical
elite. As Proverbs 29:23 says: "A man's pride
shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the
humble in spirit."
I wasn't humble and pride
certainly brought me to the lowest of lows. It
was when I was at my lowest, and I had lost all
arrogance that I realized that I had allowed
myself to be a member of a cult, believing their
false teachings about God and salvation, for
years. The humiliation of this was enormous.
Almost too much to bear. It nearly drove me to
the brink of insanity. How could I have been so
wrong about things I felt had to absolutely be so
right? These same things I had studied over and
over in the Bible, day after day, year after year!
Yet, it had happened, despite my sincere desire
to be good, and to do good. I was spiritually and
emotionally deceived. I was led by the doctrine
of a cult that seemed to fit all the criteria I
had been searching for. I "belonged" and while my
personal desire to know God superseded any social
ties I wished to develop, that ultimately was one
of the main reasons I kept staying in the
organization I began to know was very imperfect.
I liked the idea of being a part of a "special"
group of people who surpassed the "worth" of all
others on earth in God's eyes. It was quite a
heady experience. I literally believed I
possessed superior knowledge to even the most
decorated or titled Biblical scholars and
so-called Christian intellectuals. I loved the
feeling of "telling off" those I believed to be my
intellectual inferior concerning Biblical matters.
I had made TWI my god.
Of course, I would
never admit this. I knew idolatry to be a
horrible sin. I wasn't prideful, I was just
certain beyond a shadow of a doubt of what I knew
to be true!
So it was from this lofty position
I began my free-fall. I didn't know what to
believe anymore, even with the simple things of
life. I doubted even the easiest daily decisons.
My belief in God never waivered, but I was angry.
How could God have allowed me with my sincere
desire to know Him, land in a cult? What
was I to believe now? What was the truth about
what The Way had taught me, and what were the
lies? How could I sort it all out?
If it
wasn't for the help and support of my husband and
some wonderful friends, and a dynamic Pastor of a
local Pentecostal church, I do not believe I'd be
sitting here today able to write this. At one
point, I had seriously made arrangements to take
my own life. I was lost and I felt as if I was
the only one that this had happened to.
The sad
news is, I am not the only person who has been
deceived by a cult. There are organizations out
there, the Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons
(Latter-day Saints), Children of God, Moonies,
etc., who still lure unsuspecting people in by the
droves and literally brainwash their members.
Cult membership grows today at greater rates than
mainstream religious organizations. I take a
stand against the lies and destruction the cults
impose on our society. I pray my contribution can
in some way prevent others from making the same
mistakes I did.
There is hope. There is a way
out and a way to heal. I believe the best way is
through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Today, I am whole, in charge of my life through
Christ, and completely delivered from the
brainwashing techniques of The Way International.
I use my experience to warn others about cults.
Copyright 1997, the author
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